What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 24.06.2025 01:39
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
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He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Is there any evidence to support the claims that mouth taping can help with breathing?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
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Im still living with it.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
How do women feel when they are in love?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I write beautiful poetry .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Why do almost all vertebrates have tails, but not apes and frogs?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I never cut or harmed myself..
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Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
When she asked me how she looked .
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I waited trembling.
Would this be the day?
Was to survive, this bastard.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was very sick at this time too.
It was going to be , some day.
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I think the readers, may guess!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
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This is soul school!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Have you ever gone to a porn theater with your wife?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Have you ever met somebody so stupid that they made you question how they survived this long?
I was scared of men, in general
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I don,t even have a pension.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
So, i spoilt her more .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Who then, do I blame.?
I said to her
What did i know ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
One cannot live in the past .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My life is so biszare .
But, we were locked up after school.
I was 9 years of age.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Put me off passion for life!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I will be 64.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She found it foreign!.
He knew the spot.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So whats the point in blame.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
All the time i was locked up.
She loved him until the end.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I have no regrets .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Comes on , in middle age.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She was in good health!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She married twice! .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
We were not on the streets..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was seconnd youngest,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
She wouldn,t have been !
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We all went to grammer schools
But it wasn’t much.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Ive learnt so much.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Especially a lifetime of it.